Our world is full of books and movies following the same theme. Girl/boy meet somebody who they believe to be ‘the one.’ They long to be together but their path of true love is thwarted. We watch or read with baited breath, wondering how they will ever overcome all the obstacles that threaten to separate them. We breathe a sigh of relief when they finally come together. They walk away hand in hand into the sunset or down the aisle, committed to a new life together. Nothing can touch them now. The End.
Or maybe not. What if I told you that was only the prelude. That the story of real love has not yet even begun. So let’s continue…
Everybody knows that crazy love feeling generated by chemical changes in your brain and body in the early stages of the relationship. But what is not so well known is that there is also a subconscious attraction going on. This subconscious attraction is based on our own early life experience of love. From our first attachments with our parents or caregivers, we are developing an imprint of how love is meant to be. We carry these associations into our adult attachments and unconsciously seek out a partner who has similar positive and negative traits. Negative traits are where the nature of the caring has worked against our natural sense of joyful aliveness. It may not be intentional. For example, in a family where a child has died, a parent may become over protective with their other children.
So, let’s return to our story and imagine Jill who was very protected as a child. She meets Jack and they fall in love and they decide that each other is ‘the one.’ In the bliss of the romantic phase, they both have a sense of joyful aliveness and freedom. But come the end of the romantic phase – perhaps 2 years on, Jill begins to feel smothered by Jack. She tells him he needs to change. For Jack however, the experience of being loved as a child is strongly associated with him acting as ‘protector’ of his mother who was never well after his father left. Jack now feels criticised by Jill. This is unfair. He is doing the very best he can to protect and be loved. She’s the one that needs to change.
But all is not lost. Jack and Jill’s relationship will not unravel and come tumbling down IF… they let go of the myth that they have to somehow maintain or find again that initial attraction. In doing so they will move into a new phase of self-awareness and be open to a greater understanding and appreciation of each other. Loving consciously is the real beginning for a long and happy relationship.
If you think you could benefit from relationship coaching or counselling, you can contact me on
087 466 1116 or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
It’s good to be heard and understood.